Headed to the gym. Gonna work on my diptroids. My gluteralids. My quadrapeps. Maybe my trapaceptals. Definitely my vocabulary.

— Derek Lawler (@RowdyBowden) July 2, 2012

I saw my ex-boyfriend about to kiss his new girlfriend.I walked by and casually screamed, "I put my vagina on that!"

— Tyler said what (@KCCOTyler) January 16, 2013

Guys say "never trust something that bleeds seven days and doesn't die" as if something with two heads powered by one brain is trustworthy.

— Lois Lane (@lilgapeach30) May 1, 2013

Every time I see a white work van, I beat the driver unconscious, and check in the back. Sooner or later I'll be a hero.

— mlkef (@mlkef) December 11, 2011

I know women like to be mysterious, but turn signals are for safety.

— The Dork (@The_Dorkster) October 16, 2012

Oh, you lost your phone and it's on silent? That's too bad. If you liked it then you should've put a ring on it.

— Naazihah (@naazihah) May 4, 2013

My favourite P!nk song is the one where she's angry, but she's finally getting it off her chest.

— Notorious B.E.Z (@MrAdamBez) May 4, 2013

Justin Bieber was attacked in Dubai? This violence against women HAS TO STOP.

— Ally Maynard (@missmayn) May 6, 2013

If you're a vegan and an atheist and a runner, how do you choose which way to annoy people in a conversation first?

— JenReyna (@MoistPork) March 10, 2013

Beyoncé says she wants more kids. Undoubtedly her army of nannies are super excited for the overtime.

— Neal Mayhem (@RealNealMayhem) May 7, 2013

I just saw a broken ukulele in a sidewalk trash can. Good.

— Kyle H (@DepecheALAmode) May 6, 2013

If I am going to catch crabs, it will be with these guys.#mythbusters twitter.com/KariByron/stat…

— Kari Byron (@KariByron) May 7, 2013

What idiot named them rap battles instead of diss appointments.

— Gavin Pivott (@gavinpivott) May 8, 2013

Women don’t like being told what to do unless they’re naked.

— Clearly Unwell (@ClearlyUnwell) July 8, 2012

What do you call an Inuit Gangster? An Eskimo-Fo

— Mick Neven (@MickNeven) May 11, 2013

Justin Bieber got 100,000 retweets for tweeting "Live life full". That's just 3 random words. I'm going to try now. Nipple squirrel ham

— Eoghan McDermott (@eoghanmcdermo) May 11, 2013

#twerkforjasper @fucktyler @jasperdolphin twitter.com/PIZZAPALACE69/…

— PAT \(•ิ_•ิ)/ (@PIZZAPALACE69) May 13, 2013

Neptunism is when you're only a planet because your dad is a planet

— Sunny Mabrey (@SunnyMabrey) December 28, 2012

I love restaurants that have signs like "Since 1916". It's a great way to know the place you're eating at was probably super racist.

— Damien Fahey (@DamienFahey) May 9, 2013

Instead of Gag Gifts, I give Gaga gifts. Everything comes wrapped in an egg & looks like something Madonna already gave you 25 years ago.

— Don Nichols (@TheDairylandDon) May 7, 2013

Self portrait in candy floss twitter.com/SirPatStew/sta…

— Patrick Stewart (@SirPatStew) May 9, 2013

Self portrait with candy floss twitter.com/SirPatStew/sta…

— Patrick Stewart (@SirPatStew) May 9, 2013