A shark mating with a stingray? This is how you know you live in the wrong timeline.

Weekend news never lets us down. And with the world the way it is, it can't go a single day without someone, somewhere, doing something they shouldn't be doing. The 145 tons of chicken heist should be primetime news. Every man, woman, and child should know how a gang stole “up to 55,000 birds.”

So we’ve gathered all the weird headlines from the past weekend for you to enjoy. There’s a headline for everyone. For your sustainable friend, an Idaho lawmaker is campaigning to widen the definition of cannibalism —for composting reasons, of course, nothing else worrying. 

A man who was caught pleasuring himself in a public library got away from the cops by rubbing the leftover lube on his hands and slipping out of his cuffs. So I guess a fair warning for couples on V-Day. And for those who love crazy Florida news, Floridians have been losing sleep to the sound of fish coitus. Florida DJs will soon enough sample the “deep bass groans” in an EDM track.

Scroll down and get a first look at Taco Bell's new Baja Blast cheesecake. Because that’s what the world needed